Helen's Haunt Me

My life living like a gypsy has taken me down some tumultuous romantic roads.  My history with love has been nothing short of colorful. 

First there was the musician.  He was a tortured soul that seemed to be extremely affected.  He loved playing the philosophers role while any Led Zeppelin song was blaring in the backround like his anthem.  The truth was that he was from an upper middle class suburban family and he was searching for a level of personal depth that he would never find.  I guess he was just born in the wrong era.

Then there was my first live in.  This was my first “real” love.  We traveled together and were enchanting in the public eye.  We spent so much time talking about our future that the present was less than mediocre.  To the public we were the “it” couple.  Everyone aspired to be as perfect as us but what no one knew was as soon as we were alone it was quiet.  Not an angry quiet.  There was no tension between us.  In fact there was nothing between us.  The only thing we had in common was that we were both in love with him.  After years of pretending I knew the end was near.  Knowing that this would be the most painful heartbreak I would suffer from, my greater hope for “more” was answered. 

I was single for years after that, truly believing that what I wanted didn’t really exist.  Then I took a risk and met Derek.  He was everything on my list and so much more.  I just didn’t realize how systematically the “more” would become.  It was THE love story that everyone talked about.  My heart said dive in head first but my head said proceed with caution.  Being smitten we all know I listened to my heart.  Big mistake.  Derek promised me the world on a platinum platter.  He came through on most all of his promises. 

What he failed to mention was how co-dependent and entitled his immediate family was.  There was no battles to win, I had already lost the war.  In their minds, I was a gold digging model who was pierced and tattooed and didn’t have any other understanding of the affluent lifestyle.  I had no business dating Derek as I would never be good enough for him.  Little did they know his private jet wasn’t the first or the biggest I had ever been on.  That I was well read, and world traveled and there was nothing Derek could introduce me to that I hadn’t already experienced on my own merit.

Did I mention that Derek’s sister, coincidentally named Helen as well, was best friends with Dereks ex wife Helen?  Enter the incest, gossip, and under handed agendas. And what I learned very early on is that Derek enjoyed throwing me to the wolves.  He reveled in being fought over.  He never defended me or stuck up on my behalf.  Derek and I didn’t have any private moments.  His sister or his ex wife were always in the know.  And judging, always judging me.  They were only interested in watching me fail.  And I didn’t fail .  After years together, and much emotional abuse from his entire family, I was the one that left him.  The jealousy was so evident that I didn’t need him.  This goes back to “I should’ve listened to my head, because my heart wasn’t capable of seeing the detriments that would follow”.

*Oriana