There are these moments in life that you wake up and you just know. You can feel it in your entire being. It is the feeling of great finality and new beginnings. It is as if your sixth sense is warning you, bracing you, saying “this will only hurt for a minute…” They say that I should be thankful for this experience. They tell me “this too shall pass…” . And I can only say on this sad day, I have reached an epifane. Mother did always say “be careful who you date because you may fall in love.”
My name is Oriana. I would say that I am a fairly simple girl although others have described me as “intense”. I am the age old thirty something who is searching for my own sense of self. My right of passage has been shall we say a bit unstructured? I come from a very eclectic family who is fiercely loyal. Mother is always telling me to sit up straight, always wear clean underwear, and what ever I do… don’t ever bring home a bartender, a musician, or an accountant. Up until today I have attempted to bring home all three.
Some look at me and think life has been too good. I guess I could agree if I was looking at my life the way most people look at a Dali. It is beautiful and intoxicating from afar, but up close it gets a bit chaotic. You almost have to squint to try to make out what the painting is. What the hell was he thinking? But maybe, just maybe, it is perception.
I have lived the classic tale of Cinderella, the dyslecxic version. I am lucky to say that although brief (even though it feels like a lifetime of Stanley Kubrik movies) I experienced what most strive for. I was given everything and I have nothing to show for it… with the exception of louis vuitton luggage and an enormous “library” of Jimmy Choos, and Christian Laboutin’s.
It was my first and only blind date. A trusted friend (who I’d like to note is the opposite sex) called me and said that I have the “set up of a lifetime.” Immediately I hesitated wondering if he was such a Romeo why is he such a tough sell? Oriana he said “have I ever tried to set you up in the 7 years I have known you? He is divorced, very successful, and to my knowledge he loves his mother”. Yes I agreed to go but I was still skeptical. I think that was the “whisper” that Oprah keeps talking about… Oh, if I had only listened to my gut.
At 41 Derek had made quite a name for himself. He made money managing other people’s money. He was self made, he was the American dream Along the way he married his college sweetheart had 2 kids and was set off to live happily ever after. This was all of course before the mega millions. As the modern day Rain Man, he seemed to have it all. Tenacity, business savvy, strategy, and what appeared to be integrity. Everyone loved to be around Derek hoping that his success, his wealth was contagious.
My first trip abroad was to Tokyo. I was 14 years old and I packed up my life (in 1 suitcase) and headed out for my big modeling debut. I was 5’11”, freakishly thin but eager to prove myself. There was no other world that I could relate to where being thin and tall wasn’t grounds for persecution. I was excited to enter a “family” of girls who were going through the same thing. I was so anxious to be seen as human. When I arrived to Narita airport a sense of calm set over me. It’s those moments that you just know… I had arrived. I was no longer Oriana Schatan. From this moment forward I was simply Oriana.
Growing up in a middle class family in a predominantly sheltered suburb was like a double edge sword for Derek. Scholastically he had the opportunity to shine but was still subject to the scrutiny of cliques. He never had a date or went to Prom, and although his life seemed pretty ordinary he was destined for greatness. He was the son of very intelligent parents who although were not warm, were big on guidance. He lived in their home like a fixture, following all rules and doing as they said. He lived vicariously through statistics and was turned on my mathematics. He read books on history and starting plotting his escape of the dulldroms from early on.
Nobody can prepare you for emancipation. A complete stranger was standing at my airport gate with a sign that said “Oriana”. I had never seen this man in my life but I felt like I could trust him. He spoke little English and escorted me to the limousine that was to take me to my model housing. It was the middle of the night when I arrived and the drive from the airport to my new life seemed endless. We pulled up to a non descript apartment building and my driver helped me maneuver my enormous suitcase into what was the smallest elevator I have ever seen. The elevator door opened on my floor and he handed me a key. That was it. A key. The elevator door closed behind me and I was left alone. It was that moment that I tried to summons all that mother had taught me and I promised myself then and there that I would never sell my soul.
When walking into his college dorm for the first time, Derek was ackward and shy. His roommate who was equally gawky introduced himself as a tech geek. This was the beginning of a new friendship and a new life. Derek had just left his comfort zone. He was no longer “special” because he was now on a campus of the intellectual elite. He would have to do something to stand out. This is where he forced himself to think outside the box. After his first semester and a stellar report card Derek started spending time with what would be his first girlfriend. She was dynamic and the life of the party. She was also a very mean drunk. He found himself being an enabler because he didn’t want to be alone again. He didn’t want to be the small town genius. He vowed he would never be alone again.
When I turned the key and stepped into the apartment the silence was deafening. It was pitch black and it smelled of a foreign incense. I flipped the hall light switch on and gasped at what I saw. It was a studio apartment with wall to wall mattresses on the floor. There were bodies everywhere and I was petrified to move forward. A voice came out of the darkness that said what I think translated to “that bed is yours.” I said “hello, my name is Oriana.”. There was nothing. No response. I was not sure if there was just a language barrier or if this was what my future was facing. I was exhausted because it was such a long flight so I left my suitcase in the hallway (big mistake) and collapsed on my new designated bed. I fell asleep replaying a conversation mother and I had had when I was packing back at home. She had said “you have always been the mysterious one of my children. Oriana, you will survive. Life has no dress rehearsals so live outloud. Live for yourself. Don’t ever waiver on your personal morals and remember who you are. Money is only currency”. Had I known that she was forshadowing my life’s greatest challenges, I would have never packed amd left home.
Trade came easy to Derek. It started off with the idea of tutoring the cute girl for her adoration to buying and selling what most would think are shanty antiques. He started using his brain as power and was slowly beginning to build his self esteem. He loved being the allstar student and reveled in the attention he was receiving. His grades were consistently outstanding and he was breezing through his course work. It was in this time that he had met his future wife Helen. She was a cheerleader from good stock and seemed to appreciate Derek for more than equations. Unlike Derek, Helen didn‘t know what she wanted to be when she grew up. What she did know was that she didn’t want a life less ordinary and she had a certain sense that Derek was going to be able to provide that, eventually on a Tiffany & Co. silver platter.
“Name?”
“Oriana”
“Height?”
“5”11.”
“bust, waist, hips?”
“31,21,32”
“age?”
“14”
“Domain?”
“American.”
“Kowaii, neh? But mother agency lied. Your thighs shake too much when you walk”. This is my first conversation in Tokyo. Roughly 11 hours after I arrived I had slept, been yelled at in French for my suitcase being in the hallway, realized our 1 bathroom for 12 girls had a heated toilet seat, was surprised the telephone ring is completely different then in the US, and had not met anyone besides the angry French girl that I was now living with. They were gone. All the girls were gone. The same man who dropped me off there had knocked on the door and said “you have 10 minutes then we go. Agency is waiting.” I threw together what I thought was a stylish modely outfit, brushed my teeth with my fingers because I had no time to find my toothbrush, and got hustled off to my agency. When I walked into the agency to meet my new booker’s I was feeling timid. There were beautiful people everywhere. It was a crazy energy and I felt completely out of my realm. Then a girl walked into the room. She had this presence that I still cannot explain. She walked right up to me and said “Bon jour Oriana, did you rest well?” I was in awe. I just smiled and nodded my head. I recognized her voice. It was the crazy French girl. I now know her as Pascal.
Their romance was a whirlwind. Helen and Derek had similar upbringing’s and honestly their parents were just relieved. Derek’s because he’s no longer lonely, and Helen's because they frankly just wanted to have someone else take care her. After getting married they immediately started to try and have a family. Derek was now in grad school and moonlighting as a teacher of statistics. Helen was working part time but waiting for the moment she would be barefoot and pregnant. They seemed to be the happy couple living behind a white picket fence. They were very social in their community and seemed normal and happy. With the support of Helen, Derek decided to start his own company. He was confident that he would be successful and she knew that in order for her to live the life she wanted that this was the make or break it moment.
I quickly realized that Pascal was the golden child of the agency. She was working everyday, she casted privately, she was too busy to socialize, and she was extremely well published. Being the new girl who had no experience living with 11 other models in a co-ed models apartment, I had a lot to learn. I chose to study Pascal and seek her guidance. I found myself trying to emulate her. Pascal was guarded initially but we slowly became friends. She taught me so much. Watching her and how she operated her life on all levels showed me the courage to be loyal… most importantly to myself.
There were some mornings that I woke up and didn’t know what time zone I was in. I could however tell you what city I was in on what continent based on the subway systems. I was my own worst standard bearer constantly trying to make accurate moral judgments. Temptation is a cruel thing. As a model you are always invited to the “it” parties, drenched in designer clothing, and rubbing elbows with the worlds most beautiful people. It is like a secret society of the formally uneducated. The voyeurs would do anything to just get into this world thinking it is a lot more posh than it is. And the one’s that still have a back bone wonder how difficult life is going to be when you get out.
Although there was never an easy year, Derek’s company and public notoriety as a savvy businessman was gaining momentum. His little engine that could was becoming a multi million dollar empire. With this success Derek’s lifestyle was also transitioning. Helen was living her dream by being a stay at home mom and Derek was finding any reason at all to have a business meeting in New York. Anything just to not have to come home. With every million dollar profit marriage was looking more and more unattractive to Derek. He was feeling suffocated and sttiffled. He had this notion that after spending a lifetime of being overlooked that this was now what he deserved. And when I say “this” I mean freedom and lack of accountability. Suddenly people started to come out of the woordwork and Derek was feeling something foreign. He was feeling popular. People were starting to “sell” themselves to he and Helen. They were becoming the center of attention in their community. They were jetsetting on their new private plane and mingling with upper eschelon of society. They were beginning to buy into it.
Everyone’s perception of happiness is different. Denial too has a price. The richer Derek got the more detached he became from Helen. He eventually found his way out of their bed and into his office conference room with her best friend. Sue was the wife of another couple that Helen and Derek socialized with frequently. Their kids were growing up together. Derek enjoyed being sought after and Sue was a sex machine. She would be his puppet, even though it was only in the bedroom. Helen would never admit to Derek’s affair. I think she just didn’t want to be the town crier. And after all, she would eventually receive half of his fortune.
The level of prestige in modeling is overwhelming. It is a constant struggle to determine what is reality and what is fantasy. It is a lifestyle of bottled promise and self discipline. There is always an underlying level of question and intent and being an object becomes your fulltime job. There has to be a level of narcissism to survive. And mother always said “the only person you can trust is yourself.”.
There has been much speculation of what really happened between Helen and Derek. And I don’t think anyone will ever know. After more than a decade Derek filed for divorce. It was a strange split because they remained the best of friends. Surprisingly coincidental enough, Sue left her husband. Derek publicly started dating Sue shortly there after. After spending a few volatile years with Sue, Derek left her and started his journey looking for something that was beautiful.
I decided after living like a gypsy for so long to settle down stateside. I wanted to dig in some roots and develop friendships and live life under the radar. I was exhausted by the lifestyle of show and tell and just wanted to figure out what normal was like. I felt like I had gone as far as I could go without compromising my moral character. I had seen the world in the raw flesh. I had starved to pay rent, owned only a suitcase of belongings, lived alone, and did not know what stable meant. I had sold the accessories as a model, and been the accessory as a model. I was starting to feel like this empty vessel without a voice. I was scared to leave this world because I have never known anything else. It is an adjustment that I still struggle with. I am still guarded but am certain that there is still greatness out there for me. I too threw caution to the wind and sought out a personal journey looking for something beautiful…
*Oriana
Everyone has a history and most people don't have the ability to actually put in down on paper, let alone relive it. I like reading the background leading up to the actual story. I feel I am getting to know the principals of this saga really well.
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